Technical Support
by Alexis Seven
Summary: This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes.


**Disclaimer: The characters of Star Trek are not mine. I wish...  
**

**Author's Notes: Hello all! This little idea has been flitting around between my cohort KC and I for a good long time, (since our 'letters' series). I was finally inspired to write it down after seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness (Which was EPIC, by the way. I won't say more than that), so here it is!**

_From the writers of Letter to the Manufacturer…we bring you…_

_TECHNICAL SUPPORT_

_This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE technical support line. This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes. Please note: at any time you may return to the main menu. Just say: 'Menu'. If you would like to speak with an agent, say 'Agent'. …. Please state which of our products you are calling about: Tricorder, PADD, Biobed—

CALLER: Biobed.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Biobed. Great, thank you. What seems to be the problem? Is it: Readings, Diagnoses, Support—

CALLER: The damn thing doesn't work.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, I do not understand. What seems to be the problem? Is it: Readings, Diagnoses, Supp—

CALLER: The whole thing doesn't work. None of it.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, I do not—

CALLER: For the love of—Readings.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Readings. Got it, thanks. What appears to be wrong with readings? Is it: difficulty in taking readings, unclear information given, partial or missing information—

CALLER: All of the above.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, I do not understand—

CALLER: My god! Difficu—Unclear information.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I did not understand your request. Could you please repeat that?

CALLER: [INDISTINCT. UNABLE TO TRANSLATE.]

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: New Language detected. Vulcan. Accepted. Nashaut. Sos gol'nev du?

CALLER: What the hell?!

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Kup-rai s'frei. Sanu ashiv-tor.

CALLER: Dammit! Sickbay to Uhura; would you mind coming down here? Now, please.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Du aitlu fun-tor Teraya-eingelsu?

CALLER: What's wrong?—The damn robot phone operator is speaking Vulcan! Here—

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Kup-rai s'frei. Du aitlu fun-tor Teraya-eingelsu?

CALLER: Ah. Teraya-eingelsu dvolau.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Navun. Federation Standard Language set. How can I help you?

CALLER: Here.—Thank you, ma'am. Now—

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: How can I help you?

CALLER: Just put a real person on the line.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, I do not—

CALLER: For god's sake, Agent!

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENATIVE: I'm sorry—

CALLER: AGENT!

AUTMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Agent. Okay. Please hold for the next available service representative.

CALLER: Thank you.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE Technical Support. My name is Daniel. How can I assist you?

CALLER: My biobeds are not working.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, but that is not my department; this is billing. Please hold while I transfer you to the correct department.

~ERROR. COMMUNICATION LOST. ~

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE technical support line. This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes. Please note: at any time you may return to the main menu. Just say: 'Menu'. If you would like to speak with an agent, say 'Ag-

CALLER: AGENT!

AUTMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Agent. Okay. Please hold for the next available service representative.

CALLER: Please, before I die of old age.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE Technical Support; my name is Narlia. How can I help you?

CALLER: My biobeds aren't working.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Can you be more specific?

CALLER: Four out of my ten new biobeds either won't take readings or the information is wrong, partial, or missing altogether.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry to hear that. What have you tried in order to correct the problem?

CALLER: Just about everything I can think of.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Have you tried restarting them?

CALLER: No. – Of course I have! That was the first thing I did.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Are you sure that they were fully shut down before being restarted?

CALLER: Yes! I restarted the machines several times. Same thing every time.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: And that didn't fix the problem?

CALLER: If it did, why would I be calling you?

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I see. How did the problems first manifest?

CALLER: It said I was Vulcan.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: And are you Vulcan?

CALLER: …

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Sir?

CALLER: No, I am not a Vulcan.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I see. Please go to the biobed's main screen. Under the settings menu there should be a heading for 'calibrations'. Do you see it?

CALLER: Yeah, I do.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I am sending you a command code to enter in the calibrations screen. Did you receive the code?

CALLER: yeah. Got it. Entering it now.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: What is the biobed computer doing?

CALLER: Rebooting. Give it a minute.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Let me know when it has restarted.

CALLER: Done. Let me test the thing. … Well, it's got the species right but now it's telling me that I'm pregnant.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Congratulations.

CALLER: I am a human male.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Are you—…

CALLER: You weren't just about to ask me if I'm sure that I am a human male, were you?

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE:…um… I am sending you another command code. Please enter this one in the same screen as before. Let me know when you've completed it.

CALLER: Done. It's calibrating. Say, you aren't by some chance affiliated with Garrison Henneley Co., are you?

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Yes, Garrison Henneley Co. is our mother company. How did you know?

CALLER: I recognize the outstanding customer service quality. Finally, the computer's done. Give me a second to test it. Get over here, lieutenant! Sit down. Yeah, it seems to be working okay now. Will this code work for the others?

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Yes.

CALLER: Great.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Is there anything else I can help you with?

CALLER: Nope. Goodbye.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE Technical Support, and have a nice day. … Sir?

~COMMUNICATION TERMINATED~

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE technical support line. This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes. Please note: at any time you may return to the main menu. Just say: 'Menu'. If you would like to speak with an agent, -

CALLER: AGENT!

AUTMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Agent. Okay. Please hold for the next available service representative.

CALLER: [TRANSLATION CENSORED]

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE Technical Support; my name is Kreah. How can I help you?

CALLER: Narlia told me that the code would work for _all_ of the biobeds…

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry sir; that is not my department. Transferring you now.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

**Thoroughly enjoyed writing this little bit. :) Let us know what you think! And Thanks again to KC!**


End file.
